On Dreams, Time, and Spiritualism

How the lands of our dreams seem so inexplicably different. Lacking in any direction to their arrival. One cannot traipse east or westward into a dream. It requires ones conscious to relocate itself following a path which we cannot even conceive of.

Are you familiar with the term ‘breaking the fourth wall’? In a way our dreams are in fact breaking the fifth wall. For those who aren’t vivid dreamers, I suppose it can feel  lot like time travel.

This phenomena gave me the first impressions of the subjectivity of time. Time is quite a curious thing as well. Time is both objective and subjective. When you watch the clock, or leave an X on your calendar; Time is acting objectively, It can be quantified and measured.

In the same breath, Time has a peculiar ability to bend itself around you. One one is focused on work, lost in a great book, out partying, or doing whatever, notice the time passes faster.

Even being a vivid dreamer I’ve had my fair share of blank nights, where the dreams never seemed to surface, or I failed to remember them, but time passes at a faster rate from your perspective.

This is because time is funny. Time is treated as a commodity. People sell their time to organizations, churches, or companies for some form of spiritual, monetary, power, or social gain. We all know people are hungry for these things, but we restrict access by requiring one to ascend the competence hierarchy and reap the fruits of their training.

For those who don’t know what they want to do with their time, this is a great option. But if one has passion, drive, an commitment towards their noun of choice, You may be better off not selling your time and ultimately work for yourself.

My philosophy is that I work, act, and live on behalf of both myself, and the universe or god depending on how you look at it. In my opinion their one in the same. In  a sense I see the universe as a duality of god and nature. I believe the idea of god to be associated with order, purity, and Logic. Nature on the other hand I believe is associated with karma and chaos.

I see both as being equally important, essentially relying on each other whilst at the same time contradicting each other. This Hearkens back to the age old saying: Opposites attract. A paradigm I see as being essential to the universe.

The viewpoint is difficult to explain entirely, I intend to write an entire book about the way I see the world. I’ve spent a lot, perhaps too much, time stuck on this line of inquiry. Between my study of the Vedas The Quran, The Holy Bible, The King James Bible, The Latin Bible, As well as some of Carl Jung, Dostoevsky, and many different occultist texts. This combination has lead to quite a bit of psychological, spiritual Inquiry. During which I’ll admit, I nearly went insane trying to reconcile all the paradigms I had picked up from each Ideology.

I tend to see faith as more of a personal thing, with each religion, Doctrine and Holy texts are vessels which can lead one closer to individuation, I do not believe however that they are necessary nor sufficient in of itself. The experience is personal, and transcends the practice of all organize religion.

When you enter a church, you do not find god. The Priest may point you in the right direction but unfortunately most people tunnel vision and Idolize the priest, rather than turning and moving towards the enlightenment which he was trying to point to.

I suppose my take on religion has been heavily influenced by my love affair with Anarchism. This lead to a sort of DIY Religion. Unfortunately, this is how cults tend to start. Thankfully we established ourselves as an Art and Literature Collective. Therefore no obscene rules will be allowed to form, no drinking of the special kool-aid.

The Vision consists of a collective of writers, inventors, artists, musicians and the like, and we spend our time creating and bringing new ideas to life. Almost like a record label except we won’t be taking 80% of any potential monetary gain.

Well that’s my rant for this evening, I hope whoever reading got something out of this. I don’t usually write about these kind of topics, but that seems to be the direction my heart is leading me this particular evening.

I wish you all a Good Day, and once again thank you for your viewership and appreciation, we love it and It’s amazing to see people from so many different countries visiting my site. At one point I had more readers from India than I did the US!

If you want a penny for your thoughts, leave your opinion in the comments section and create the opportunity to learn from each-other.

 

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Untitled (psychological horror)

Stumbling through the hallway nearly collapsing unto your knees as you propel forward you begin to regain your position against gravity. An unfamiliar hallway surrounds you, the cheap wallpaper stained yellow from age is peeling off the walls to reveal a layer of underlying stone.

Gasping to regain your breath, you stop for a second, looking forward at the ground reveals the words “Don’t look back” spelled out on the concrete in front of you. Normally you’d be skeptical but something in your gut tells you to listen.

You press forward, the light in the hallway growing ever dimmer with each step. It’s at this point you begin to wonder where the light is even coming from. No electronic or natural light source can be detected, nor any breach in the hall.

Thoughts begin to barrage you pertaining to your whereabouts and how you got there, but ultimately you suppress them; deciding that they would be counterproductive to any potential of survival at this point.

Contrary to hope, a dead end is reached. Nausea begins to ensue as you see both corners filled with a mysterious dark red liquid. A loud piercing D minor Chord emanates from the back of the hallway, and you feel your body becoming light as a sack of feathers. The cold hard ground starts to look really comfortable. A warm disorientating euphoria comes over you as your vision begins to fade.

You slowly begin to open your eyes. You have no idea how much time has passed but you are no longer in the hallway. Upon fully opening your eyes you realize that you cannot see the ceiling, Rather than looking around you close your eyes and once again succumb to that warm luxurious sleep you were just experiencing.

Another unknown amount of time passes. You snap out of the trance and your parasympathetic nervous system begins to catapult you into fight or flight mode as you begin to take notice of your new environment.

Only two things linger in the mind at this point.

1. Find an escape.

2. Find some answers.

Propelled by your drive to survive you begin to collect your bearings. You look about the walls and notice it is covered with thousands of names. Most of them you don’t recognize but a few belong to people you know from television and other media. A lot of the names are crossed out, some  are circled, some have stars, exclamation points, or question marks  next to them and some are underlined.

You notice a couple of wooden tables. All of which are covered with drawings and printouts of documents with major sections redacted. Most of the names of the documents were also redacted so It was hard to tell what most of them were about though they looked like transcriptions of court cases , interviews, and military commission reports however this is just a guess.

You find a wooden door on the west side of the room but it doesn’t open. You find another one on the east side of the room that also doesn’t open, luckily a large portion of the bottom half of the door was kicked out and you were just barely able to squeeze through.

You find yourself at the bottom of a staircase. The words “Watch your step” are painted on the right side of the wall. You cautiously ascend the staircase. Noticing a few steps are coated in an unknown dark slippery looking substance you skip them and reach the top. A door awaits you at the summit. This one is unlocked.

You enter through and are met with a blindingly bright flash. Your memory and consciousness  fade to black before you even see the other side.

You awaken again in a strange beat down motel room. All these spontaneous blackouts and location changes are really starting to get to you. You wonder what kind of sick joke is being pulled here, and Thy you of all people were selected to undergo it. The sickening irony is that you cannot discern whether you were selected because you are lucky or unlucky. As to where that thought arose from you have no idea. The mere pursuit of that line of thought caused a drastic turn of the stomach, and so it was completely brushed over.

You quickly notice a piece of what seems like old dried notebook paper is taped to the front of your blank gray shirt. On one side it reads You Won in large bold letters. The other side reveals a weird sort of prose. It reads:

“Madness is a bit like love
They run your life,
They’re rarely enough.

Both the madman and the lover,
Bend their minds with endless lines.
Trying ever hard to find,
The sweetest bits of word and sound,
For reasons equally profound. ”

While  fairly thought provoking he had a hard time understanding how it fit into the situation. Considering it a souvenir of sorts he folded and tucked into his pocket. It’s at this point he begins to question what the words “You Won!” on the other side of the note meant.

You look around the motel room for any other clues that you might be able to find before departing. This is when you notice the bloody boot prints that littered the walls and began to wonder how and why they would be there.

Weirder yet the floor was completely clear of them. You notice a weird smell in the air coming from the motel rooms bathroom. You hesitate but ultimately decide to investigate. You turn cold and pale as you open the door, and you nearly slip into shock at the scene displayed before you.

A strange man had hung himself from his shower using some sort of cabling. There was blood all over the room though this man though clearly dead appeared not to have a scratch on him. You closed the door, not wanting to investigate any further.

Your brain tries to make you vomit several times but your stomach is empty and you merely dry heave while trying your best not to curl up in a ball and scream.  You open the motel door and run like you’ve never ran before. You briefly take notice that this hotel must be completely abandoned, you aren’t surprised.

You waste no time looking in the other rooms and make it to the staircase, slowing your pace down a bit due to remembering what happened on the stairs earlier, you descend down to ground level and find sprint down the hallway, into the abandoned lobby and out into the fresh night air of an unknown city.

[The End of part 1]

 

 

 

An Off day (fiction/short story)

Charles had been having a not very so good day at the office. Likely due to lack of sleep and a quarrel with his Fiance the night before, his head space was in a state of slightly agitated chaos.

He had been with this firm long enough that he had a little unspoken wiggle room when it came to the rules so he left for break a little early. About twenty-three minutes to be precise.

Instead of heading toward his car for a brisk hoon over to his normal lunch spot, he instead set his gaze on a bench, kitty corner to the office entrance. He sluggishly proceeded until the bench greeted him.

He took a seat and watched as the oncoming traffic whirled in both directions. Before long he was almost in a state of entrancement. It felt so soothing to watch the cars go by, it felt very dynamic unlike his current state of existence.

He thought about how the cars all moved so fast that no single vehicle stayed in his field of vision for more than a brief moment, that every given second was an entirely new display. He would focus in on one car and watch it until it left a field of vision and than picked another one.

He also thought about how life for the majority of us was the opposite. How we hold onto things because they give us some sort of comfort; the comfort of an identity, of knowing what and who one is. We wake up and put on the same act every day. With our favorite sports teams, our favorite music genres, favorite movies, political and religious affiliations, our family, our social circles our professions, our hobbies, etc.

Its as if when presented with freedom, we gravitate towards a voluntary-sort of imprisonment. But of course it’s all the difference when it’s an imprisonment that we may at least take pride in, as the chains are of our own design and all of what the chains may be bound too is likewise ours to decide.

This thought was interrupted by a squirrel that ran into his field of vision. Oddly it didn’t seem scared to be staring eye to eye with a being multitudes larger in size. Carl found this a little peculiar.

Not nearly as peculiar however as when it looked up at him and began to speak. It said  “Why are you here?”

Carl looked baffled slightly slipping on his words with a dumbfounded look plastered across his face he replied: “Well I don’t know, because of god, or because my parents reproduced or something, can I ask why and how your talking to me?”

The squirrel responded in a voice that was now a little irritated and slightly pressured.
“Did I say it was your turn to ask questions? Never mind that, no I didn’t mean like existentially, I mean why are you sitting on my bench this is where I come every day after I get done stashing my acorns and other loot.”

“Oh my apologies I didn’t mean to intrude, ill get going now.” Carl said as he stood up and began walking towards his car. He questioned weather it was a dream but it felt extremely real and lucid, furthermore he never woke up having dozed off on the bench as he expected, as far as he can surmise he was awake. Furthermore he wondered what kind of loot a squirrel might be storing besides acorns.

He went too his car and contemplated getting something to eat thinking maybe some food would level him out. He did, and went back to the office and worked straight through the break. He drew the conclusion that his mind was playing tricks on him and wrote it off as some sort of daydream and never brought it up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do religions & philosophies = operating systems for our brains?

I recall as a young elementary student, being told that brains are essentially computers. This made sense to me at a young age, but it wasn’t until way later that I began to abstract from the cross reference of cognition and computation.

This perhaps may be the most obvious parallel, but programming languages are inherently languages. Whilst one could argue that they work differently from a functional perspective as well as in the types of problems they’re intended to solve, when one begins to expand and broaden their understanding of language as a tool the differences seem to become increasingly arbitrary.

One begins to wonder, how does one written doctrine or collection of doctrines, dictate the way in which people live and organize for centuries to come; as is seen of successful religious, political, and philosophical systems.

In a sense these things exist as a set of instructions for a (group of) human(s) to follow, much like a program acts as a set of instructions to be followed by Computer processing units.

Let’s take operating systems for example. Most operating systems are created by various programming languages; as a parallel. Most belief systems, regardless of whether they exist as political, religious, spiritual, or philosophical; are conveyed through either written text or word of mouth, both of which require some level of articulated language.

Much like an operating system, the purpose which belief systems serve; is to increase, expand and or simplify the functionality of the core machinery. If one ascribes to belief system, than ideally most of their interactions with the world around them will be internalized and understood in accordance with and through that perceived medium.

Similarly most interfacing that we do with our computers is done through the medium of our operating system or tools for expanding upon our system aka languages/programming languages, and by extension schools of thought which may correlate to libraries, frameworks, and APIs for programming languages.

This can in both instances incite compatibility issues. For example if you are a believer in a creationist system like most form of Christianity than their system is in its default state incompatible with the Big Bang theory ‘thoughtware package’. Among many others. On the contrary if your an atheist, than the belief in god is incompatible.

I personally believe the world would be a far better place if more people realized they could believe in god and develop their spiritual lives and connections to the divine without ascribing to beliefs which inherently contradict scientific data, logic, reason, or common decency, but hey to each their own.

I also posit that by extension this would make Scientology the spiritual equivalent to temple OS. Both impressive systems invented under highly questionable pretenses. Both seemingly exist purely because they can, rather than arriving out of any real necessity, and both did a great job of attracting the public eye in spite of high degrees of obscurity within their respective domains.

On a similar note Since Jewish people have to be born Jewish to be accepted within the religion, doesn’t that make it kinda like Mac OS which under general circumstances is only intended to work on Apple hardware?

And what about Linux? They make it really easy for anyone to create their own version. Does Hinduism not allow for anyone to make their own derivation from its ideological kernel?

This could be argued as being true for Christianity as well, however Christianity is more often innovated by its own elected clerical leaders, rather than followers and layman. On the contrary, while existing Linux versions are often up-kept by their respective developers, new ones are being created all the time by anyone who wishes.

Technically someone could write their own version of the Bible (or windows.) But one would likely face religious and or corporate prosecution for doing so, in regards to either heresy or plagiarism respectably.

Note: This should go without saying but I will anyways: this is not to be interpreted as perfect comparison, but rather a broad theoretical framework for comparison. If my article offends you please do both of us a favor and unsubscribe. With all due to respect if philosophizing about the interconnectedness of all forms of knowledge plays on your emotions, you are without a doubt in the wrong place. However If you disagree and wanna talk about it from a level headed perspective that’s awesome, please disagree as actively as you’d like as long as your format is coherent with reason.

Now back to my train of thought. This could be a far fetched claim, but one could also correlate the innovation of blockchain technology, with Anarchist philosophy finally nearing full circular functionality.

Okay now slow down what are you getting at?

Well before blockchain technology it was kinda impossible to imagine an economic society functioning without an inherent leader. However I theorize that decentralized blockchain ledgers are the or at least one of the missing piece(s) that anarchist philosophy has been missing the whole time.

That is a way to deal with the transferring of resources without any central form of imposed government. With every end user hosting a copy of the block chain acting as a node for the server, every participating member thus holds an equal and identical representation and record.

If you really think about it, isn’t an economy where every participating member gets an equal amount of leadership; essentially the same as saying their are no true leaders?

To myself this whole thing sounds very much reflective of the systems detailed in theories which stemmed from primitive-anarchism such as mutualism, syndicalism and collectivism. I believe it indirectly speaks from all three, while still being compatible with the core fundamentals of Capitalism and thus retaining our ideological fertilizer for innovation.

There are many other places I could take this, such as the comparison of servers to real life hosts of business, services and knowledge. Or how computer networks resemble the flow of resources and information through various economic, academic, religious, political and social systems serving as network mediums.

After all networks existed before the computers we know today, postal systems a telegraph systems and telephone are all fully functioning networks. Albeit less efficient yet equally plausible methods of communicating and transmitting information even in the modern age.

I could go on much longer But I think I’ll cut this one short, as I feel I’ve painted enough of a general picture for readers to take this thought and run with it, expand on it, etc.

Actually quite literally, if a pictures worth a thousand words than this article is roughly equivalent to an entire picture. Regardless of that sentiment I hope anyone who took the time to read this article got something out of it, regardless of the how or the why. Well readers; I hope you all have a great day, thanks for taking the time to read as always!

Das Ende.

10 ways to fight depression

The phenomena that many of us are familiar with known as depression is experienced among the afflicted for a variety of reasons and in a plethora of forms and levels of intensity. Sometimes healthy individuals will become depressed. This does not inherently make you mentally ill, depression is something most people will be faced with to varying extents at various points in their life. Often arising after particularly stressful, traumatic and or upsetting experience. This can be anything ranging from the death of a loved one, ended relationships, losing a job, etc.

On the other hand some people become depressed perpetually, spontaneously, and or  cyclically due to one or more of many potentially correlating illnesses. Speaking from experience as someone who was diagnosed with manic depressive (bipolar) disorder, as well as Attention Hyperactivity disorder, depression became something I found myself having to deal with on a regular basis from a strikingly young age.

This however had the benefit of having a lot of extra time to learn how to deal with and cope with it. I am not a certified counselor. Nor do I have any formally recognized measure of educational notoriety regarding psychology. I want to explicitly state before going any further I want to state that

A. this article should not serve as any form of diagnostic or authoritative source.

B. If you are experiencing depressive symptoms and you are not already seeking medical such as counseling and psychiatric care, you certainly should (provided you can afford to do so.) 

C. These methods are not intended to replace any sort of formal treatment, and one should not assume that they can top taking or refuse medication in an attempt to mange their own symptoms with these tactics.

 

These are 10 methods I have found personal success in both mitigating depressive symptoms as well as helping me to come out of the depressive phase faster.

     1. Get up and Get moving!

Easily the most hackneyed depression related advice one could get besides changing their diet, though I can’t argue its incredible effectiveness. Exercise and movement of any form tends to improve the state of ones mindset and overall cognitive performance. This could be an actual structured work-out routine, but it can be far simpler and less committed as well. It could be Going for a walk jog or run around your neighborhood or local park, taking a hike through the woods. I’m a pretty big fan of using project/chore/hobby that requires physical activity as a supplement for exercise.

It can get even easier, though obviously the less effort your willing to put in the less benefits your going to reap, but sometimes some of us really just don’t have the time or can’t be bothered to get out and go for a walk, but that doesn’t mean you have to sit in a chair or lay in bed all day (something that tends to become really easy to fall into in the midst of depression). Especially in the winter, for me it may often be something as simple as just getting up and pacing around whilst thinking in great detail, having long productive phone calls, or even while reading rather than sitting in a computer chair for hours doing these things. It might sound trivial but little things add up throughout the week; physical activity is no exception.

     2. Introduce something new into your consciousness!

Often times I find long extended period of depression to be strongly associated with an overall psychological boredom, not literally bored, but bored of existing. Something I’ve found particularly helpful whenever I feel this way is too introduce some new idea into my consciousness. This could be a plethora of things, It could be visiting a place you’ve never been, making friends, opening a unfamiliar book, searching for new music, watching a movie you’ve never seen, making a recipe you’ve never tried, trying to take up a new hobby, exploring a new website, reading through a blog (hint hint ours.)

Mental stagnancy tends to make life feel much more mundane, repetitive and dull. It’s very easy for me to get caught up spending my free time hanging out with the same people every day, doing the same thing at the same pace, listening to the same music, and going to the same few local restaurants, and studying the same few books at night when I go home.

This really starts to get to me after awhile. However as soon as i’m able manage to break my comfort zone and force myself to try new things, my disposition almost immediately becomes more exciting, pleasant, and optimistic, after awhile, taking in large quantities of new information every day just became something I had to do to feel satisfied. I’ve recently come to truly understand what all my high school teachers meant when they said they had life long commitments toward learning to say the least, and this in hindsight has been one my most valuable defenses against depression.

     3. Call someone!

Call a trusted friend, even if just to have a casual conversation. This can help in multiple ways. Though it usually helps to have a close trusted friend that one can vent their pains and frustrations too, sometimes the real value in this is positive distractions. I can’t count the amount of times Id been very depressed, angry and or anxious, and decided to phone a friend, only to be laughing at something completely irrelevant within a matter of moments.

     4. Write about your troubles!

Obviously talking helps too, but I often find myself unable to fully articulate my thoughts in conversation with even my closest of friends and associates, mostly out of a combination of fear of how I may be looked upon, and or not wanting to pass my negativity onto them. These are situations when pen and paper really come in handy.

If your anything like me, when your upset you tend to think large volumes of quite negative thoughts at a strikingly rapid pace. When this happens I often find writing it out on paper makes it much easier to understand the source of my negative thinking, extrapolate information, attempt to draw connections and conclusions, and  make a plan of application for whatever solutions I can conjure up. It allows me to logically and analytically break down my thoughts rather than being tormented and tortured by them. This can often times be quite time consuming and relief is never instant when it gets this bad, but rather this is more of like a slow walk up a long hill on a hot day.

     5. Do something artistic &or creative!

I’ve known many people who found various forms of creative expression to be indescribably helpful in battling not only depression but a whole slew of mental ailments. Everyone has their own flavors, I personally like music and writing the most but any craft or art form will do. It especially helps to create something you can keep at the end, which is why I keep everything I draw, write, and record nearly all of my instrumental and vocal practices, when you have a lot of negative thoughts being able to sift through and derive personal happiness from something you made yourself can really help curve your self perception and thought process. In my experience it tends to become a habitual coping mechanism, the more you truly enjoy what your doing the better!

     6. Meditate (or pray if your into that sort of thing)!

There any many forms of meditation, though I tend to veer toward the basic forms. This generally consists of sitting legs crossed in the lotus pose, or whatever is most comfortable for you. This is generally followed by either closing ones eyes, and doing ones best to quiet their minds whilst taking care not to outright reject or suppress any arising thoughts. The goal in mind is achieving a completely silent mind, one which resembles a calm body of water undisturbed by any ripple or splash.

I generally do this by focusing on the patterns of my breath, the sound of my heartbeat, and whatever colors, patterns or fractals might arise in my field of vision. This isn’t something that will generally arise earlier in learning meditations, but when it begins to manifest, it immediately makes the act of meditating much more enjoyable, to the point where I would almost call it addictive after a certain point, but in a good way, so maybe habitual would be a better description.

 It might be hard to get the hang of at first, but with practice, you’ll find it much easier to quiet the mind quicker and achieve deeper states of meditation more easily. Not only does it get more enjoyable and in depth as you get better and better, but the benefits it can provide for your psyche become increasingly beneficial and easier to access.

     7. Switch up (a part of) your schedule!

I’ve often found making small changes to ones schedule can often mix things up, and if there’s one thing that’s universal about combating depression: it’s change. It could be a significant change, like adding something new to your daily/weekly routine.

A series of small changes may be quite beneficial as well. Examples may include taking a different route to work, going somewhere different for lunch, listening to a different radio station. One I’ve heard has helped many is going to bed and waking up a little earlier (or later) or changing up what time you do certain things like leisure activities, hobbies, housework etc. Changing things up helps things feel fresher and less monotonous.

     8. Look for reasons to get out of the house!

This one may not apply for everyone, but its not common for depression to cause people to become increasingly introverted, antisocial and even reclusive. When this happens, no matter how hard it may be, focusing on overcoming this problem should be a priority. If this is part of your depression, conquering this aspect is incredibly crucial. In my experience it makes most other parts significantly easier.

It can be anything; Visit a friend, Go to the movies, go out to eat, go for a hike, a walk in the park, go to the beach, window shopping, get your hair done, get groceries, go to the library, the zoo, walk around with a boombox on your shoulder bumping the most obnoxious music in your library, ANYTHING! Just make it a point to leave your house every day. if your in a position where your depression or anxiety have driven you to introversion no matter how hard it may be, if you can manage to do this you WILL notice change!

     9. Release your grudges!

Whoever your brooding against, try your best to get over it(if possible.) Obviously this wont work for every situation. Over small things; it’s worth it, your psyche and your stress levels will thank you, trust me.
Bonus points if you call, visit, or write that person a letter. 

     10. Go for a drive!

This one is extremely therapeutic. Something about moving so quickly, seeing the scenery pass by, and the freedom to just go wherever you’d like.

I currently do not have a vehicle, though I find myself frequently asking and or paying friends to take me out for cruises. Especially if you live in an area without much traffic and good scenery, this can almost instantly turn a long day of self loathing and hopelessness into a moment of relief and relaxation!C

That’s all for now, I hope you found value in our post, thank you all very much for reading and lending us your time and brainpower!

I don’t even..

You wake up only to realize you are still asleep.

Dreaming still, you rise. Sleep walking within a dream, you get up but eventually only go back to sleep, only to wake up. At this point unsure if you are awake or if you have woken up in another dream.

You could have swore you were awake; until the room the around you dissipates into nothing. It fades slowly leaving a defined geometric wire grid over an empty silhouette which is neither black nor white nor gray.  You look down to realize you have also vanished. Unsure of how you are able to see any of this, you wait patiently, unable to feel any sense of amazement or overwhelm.

The wire grid now dissipates and you forget you are looking at anything. You forget that you are anything, because you aren’t and you slowly stop existing. You would think that you died if you could comprehend what that meant at this point.

A sound can be heard, emanating from seemingly no direction nor source. The nature of which is impossible to describe. Your not even sure whether you heard it or merely thought it. Your not sure if your able to think. You feel a sense of understanding but no words arise from anywhere.

In a flash of neon colored light which cannot be described as being any distinct color or combination of which, you find yourself back in bed. Still asleep, unable to move. Looking over yourself like the camera in a third person video game. You watch yourself begin to wake, as you do the world begins dissolving and your perspective is reoriented to the first person.

You puke, drink some water, brush your teeth and crawl back into bed. Your almost entirely convinced your about to die, when you wake up on your friends couch. The room you were in previously you now realize was a place you have no memory of ever being in real life. Not bothering to explain anything you get up and leave without saying a word.

Das Ende.

 

 

On Anxiety and ‘Meta-Worry’

“People worry, what are they worrying about today?” -Violent femmes

Today I wanna talk about something which has been a central theme in my life for quite some time; that being anxiety.

If there are any solid regrets in my life (there are a plethora of semi-regrets which sit in the gray area of my Ethical/moral compass.) it’s the amount of time I’ve wasted and number of times I’ve embarrassed myself as a result of various states of anxiety or panic.

Even more profoundly disrupting is a state which I have become quite familiar with and dub ‘meta-worry’ which I would describe as a state of worry which revolves around a state of worry, its frequency of occurrence, and or what one ought or ought not be worried about.

One could see meta worry as the negative side of meta cognition which is defined as the psychological process of thinking about thought itself.

I’m sure there’s already a word out there for the phenomenon (besides the broad term of ‘thought-loop’) but I have yet to see one during my quite limited armchair research of psychology.

I should probably state that my understanding stems more from personal experience with mental illness cross referenced by conversations with certain friends and peers about their respective experience.

Most of us understand that worry and panic are counterproductive to maintaining good mental health and increasing the odds of desired outcome (or lack thereof). This however doesn’t seem to make it any easier when faced with acute states of anxiety and panic.

Some of us spend so much time in perpetual worry, that when we don’t have anything to be worried about we don’t quite get the memo. This for me has been a primary trigger of what I described as meta-worry.

It often start with getting worried that you aren’t worried, or worse contriving a false perception that perpetual worry is an asset or a virtue(possibly because of an inability to distinguish between worry and care as I’ve heard it described.) So whether intentionally or not, one begins inventing unnecessary or even unheard of reasons for themselves to be in a tizzy.

It’s quite a curious experience really, by the end of it I found myself so bewildered at the complex chain of ironies in every thought and event which transpired that I could hardly care about most of the personal misfortunes And psychologically injuries sustained as a result.

My experience was pretty atypical though, and I in retrospect have at many times held far too much (and others far too little) of a capacity to find amusement in various forms of ones own degradation and misfortune.

Another cause which I have experienced is a state of worry induced at the concern over the effects which panic and anxiety have on your existence and social reality. Though I have experienced this on many more occasions than the former, I do not have as much to say about it simply because it seems to be, at least for myself, more easily recognizable and far more easily untangled and removed from consciousness.

One method of success I’ve had with passively reducing the frequency of anxiety on a longer term scale is by reminding myself consistently that by not worrying one may often increase quality of life along with the odds of seeing favorable outcomes in general.

Conversely if your more of a negative reinforcement type of person it may help to remind oneself that worry actually decreases the respective odds and your quality of life though for many this can add another layer of problems.

As for actively removing oneself from a state of escalated anxiety (which I am required to do rather often.) If I am not in a social or work environment and the cause of anxiety is a more internal thing I often find the best course of action is to seek a compelling distraction.

If I am seeking to distract myself, I often find simple things to reorient ones consciousness such as listening to music reading, exercising, cleaning or doing something creative, or just plain productive in nature all seem to have some inherent ability to transform inner anxieties into a sense of either calm, focus or excitement.

However I also often opt to take the other route, mostly when an anxious state becomes so intense that conventional forms of distraction cannot rid of it. For me this most often involves the previously described state of meta-worry because of its perceived ability to take me much further away from a normal psychological homeostasis thus disrupting normal tactics of quelling anxiety.

This method is a bit more complicated, and more fit for those with a psycho-analytic- or introspective preference of dealing with psychological problems. This can be done In ones thoughts, or through conversation, I often find asking myself questions on paper as the preferred medium. No matter what the objective is the same: to break down the causes of your unrest to the point where it can no longer hold any power over you.

I find paper to be preferable because trying to sort things out in my mind can often be very difficult especially while experiencing wide arrays of various racing thoughts associated with anxiety, as well as because allowing this to happen in conversation can often make one come off as pessimistic, cowardly, overwhelming or in some cases flat out crazy.

Kinda ironic to think that one would do something as crazy as talking to themselves on paper to avoid looking crazy but it surprisingly provides me with one of the best outlets I’ve ever found.

An incredible outlet not only for anxiety, but also thought patterns that might be described as ‘magical’, delusional, self-defeating, narcissistic, paranoid and or self destructive in nature.

Some of these I can verify from experience and some only through word of mouth though I do not wish to be specific on which ones.

I can however attest that opting to learn more about the way you think by writing down your thoughts and questioning them as well as yourself about them causes an extreme reduction in the frequency of these thoughts, the extent to which they may negatively impact decision making, and the chances that they will accidentally surface in a conversation where they would not be appropriate.

Well that’s enough babbling for a day, I hope someone is able to find some kind of benefit or use from this article, if you have any non-medicinal methods of dealing with anxiety feel free to let us know in the comments section below.

Spiritual Scumbags

The morning began fairly normal. I woke up, took 3 shots of whiskey, as well as a shot of bourbon for good measure, and than preceded upstairs to make coffee.

I prepared two cups, and sat down with the ghost of Former United States Senator Carl Hayden to negotiate the new spiritual import laws on fourth dimensional Tesseracts.

I asked him how he took his coffee, too which he replied sincerely, that he preferred it to with cream and sugar. This was followed by an angry fist on the table after which he insisted that if anyone should ask he takes his coffee black.

“How beautiful.” I thought, even in the afterlife politicians are hardcore liars. Just goes to show that death parts us from our closest friends and family but never our sins. Just when I was finished with my cup, he dissapeared into a puff of smoking, taking the cup with him.

“YOU DAMNED DEMOCRATIC SCOUNDREL, THAT WAS FINE CHINA!”  I yelled angrily whipping the cup across my room. In hindsight this was quite counter productive, as I should have known it would go right through him and now I had lost two coffee cups. I swept up the glass shards into a bowl, this would make a good snack I assured myself. So I sat down with pen in hand (in front of my typewriter) and began to snack on the shards as I write this article.

Now that I’m caught up i’m not sure what to say. We hadn’t planned ahead this far. When I say we I meant my spiritual congregation. This includes the ghosts of Lou Reed, Phil Ochs, Mikhael Alexandrovich Bakunin, Fyodor Dostoevsky, William Godwin, Hunter S. Thomson, and Albert Hoffman.

Me and my dead friends began to form a football huddle. During this we discussed all sorts of upcoming natural disasters,  sociological movements, the results of political affairs, stock market trends, and our tastes in women.

After the crowd cleared out I decided that this article probably wasn’t worth continuing and that I was probably better off playing guitar. This wasn’t hard to convince myself as music is only slightly preferable to writing.

I honestly hope this article was too confusing for you all to enjoy. If it wasn’t you might just be bordering on literal insanity; if you do that probably means we should be friends so like subscribe and leave a comment you scumbags.

The most Lit phone call that probably never happened.

It was about 4 in the morning. Nothing was out of the ordinary besides myself. After smoking my 7th off brand cigarette in a row, I made the critical decision to light an eighth one. I would probably be worried about cancer if I were a real person.

By now it was about 4:05 and I heard a phone ringing. Now normally this wouldn’t be too weird, except that I did not own a phone. I looked around for the source of the ringing only to discover a payphone had sprouted out of my basement floor. It was at that same moment I recognized the phones ringtone: It had been set too the tune of Rappers Delight by the Sugar hill gang.

“Well that’s nifty” I thought. Doing my best not to get caught up in the songs rhythm, yet very clearly struggling; I walked over and picked up the phone,. I was presented with a dial tone that informed me I was being called collect.  I was than prompted to insert two quarters, a cigarette, and half a quart of motor oil, In order to receive this call.

Having just spent every last cent I had on bottom shelf whiskey, I knew exactly what must be done. Sprinting full force to the gas station across the street I quickly acquired two quarters from the take a penny thing (without buying anything of course.)

Many nasty looks were given. No cares however could be found. I ran back into my abode to insert the two quarters before the phone stopped ringing. After that I inserted the motor oil followed by the cigerette, which was spit back out at me with a note: I only smoke Menthol’s.

I contemplated returning to the store but I really didn’t want to waste $10 on a pack of Newport Greens. I ran to my bathroom, and soaked a cigarette in mint flavored mouth wash before drying it with a hair dryer. I was quite confident this would fool the machine. I returned and reinserted, hoping for the results like a hopeless gambler watching the contents of his welfare check being eaten up by a shiny red slot machine at some shady casino.

It spit the cigarette out. “Well shit it must be one smart payphone.” I began to think too myself. My assumption was wrong, however because the note this time read “Break the filter off and light it you fool!” I did as instructed and proceeded to pick up the phone.

Apparently it was god. Which sorry to tell all you Christians out there, but the voice on the phone was a female. Apparently I was elected to become our generations Devil. I asked why? I was not particularly evil. This was when she explained to me that the devil wasn’t actually evil. But more like the actor who plays the villain in a movie. Except that unlike most movies the true distinction of who’s right and who’s wrong isn’t so clear.

He explained to me that the counter culture needs prophets too, and that I was in line for the lineage. Unconvinced I wanted to see some proof that I was talking too god and not an Imposter. The voice informed me it could be verified. When I asked how: the phone booth dissipated, sinking into the ground. I suppose that was all the proof I needed.

If there is anything I took from this meta-fictional experience it’s

  1. God smokes menthols.
    and
  2. I need to lay off the drugs.

People We may (not) be.

This is a scripture of several individuals who I may or may not have been. While I can say with absolute earnestly that I never have been, let alone could have dreamed of possessing the capabilities of such persons. I will leave the distinction open toward and welcoming of all conspiring and doubt. It is not within me to welcome my detractors in any way other than with arms widely open. After all without them too whom would we respond?

It is to your interpretation alone reader, and no one else’s (and at the same time everyone else’s) where you fit as well as myself in this depicted development of anybody who would be anyone. I leave my position open to questioning and conspiracy not only as a challenge of perception, but as a challenge to the overall certainty of ones place within the not so grand playing field of existence.

Existence being little more than ones aspiration to play a role in the most immaculate of all comedies. A self contrived definition reflective of the understanding of all existing conflict as little if anything more than mere irony. With all due reason, could one define any idea for themselves without extracting a self contrived nature in the same action?

Only if they are the first to do so, or if they are so uncertain that they opt not to align themselves with the defense of their own declarations. I’ve never seen any point in aligning with ones own ideals, in fact I argue against my own beliefs more than anyone I know. By what other means (if any) could self depreciation be found profitable?

Suppose We may be correct in this assumption of the universe existing as a joke played upon itself. A joke who’s punchline we may or May not be reconciled with in the after life. A prank which may or may not exist at all. Knowing all well that if it should choose to exist that I must and will do so for no reason other than to have existed.

Not vanity but Beauty. For true beauty and irony really are no different. An observation that sets the dividing line between itself and vanity. Vanity being understood as a spiteful interpretation of perceived novelty. When the interpreter is for some reason or another unable to measure that which is novel he is lead to flip the coin onto its side and perceive it as a disgusting establishment of vanity even if and not surprisingly most often when the novelty is unaware of Its potential to be taken as a vanity.

All these premises are mischievously declared directly in spite of certainty. A self assuming depiction of How I dubiously enjoy spitting on those who cling to such a morally intangible form of (sub)conscious satisfaction. As if permanently silencing the mind entirely lent any advantage beyond numbing oneself from their own experience.

For the degenerate, the intellectual, the artist, inventor and philosopher alike (assuming one can be any of these things without being all) certainty and all Unipolar forms of reason for that matter are little more than a road block in the way of creativity, innovation, or all expansion of existing ironies along with all ability to deliver it.

This speaks to the deficit one acquires through blind faith in theology or the scientific method. However if one is to ascribe to both a spiritual and a scientific worldview simultaneously. Or neither. Than the contradictions of this dualism or the theoretical pot holes left by inaction will give way to the delight of inspirational fervor toward some sort of reconciliation of the two.

And what a delight it is gentleman to be inspired to the unification of seemingly contradictory ideals. This delight may seem naive, and while it certainly is naively perhaps even idiotically optimistic as is true to the nature of all joys and delights. Despite all posits of idiocy this sort of naivety is not only profitable but necessary as our would be fictional narrator will now demonstrate. How should we be expected to retain any genuine integrity throughout the course of our lifespan without an equivalent level of humility? The answer? We shouldn’t.

It is for this same reason gentleman that nobody may hold themself in a heightened regard without immediately looking down on themselves for doing so. The only way around this being self deception, which as we’re already so meticulously aware goes to show that ignorance is the only true bliss. This leaves us with the decision to choose between the blissful advantage of ignorance and the joyous excitement of perception.

Likewise no one may truly humble themselves to the point where they do not at any level of their consciousness take pride in being humble. Perhaps in spite of its disadvantage, this path of excitement may be preferable to some, and worthy of inspiring malice in those who did not choose it. Those who walk such a path become well aware of the malice it inspires in their counterpart, even if their counterpart does not let an ounce of spite through to the surface.

It is for this reason alone that we may not walk the path less traveled by without succumbing to a varying degree of superiority for doing so. Be there many a trickster who denounce any superiority in their individuality but these self-embracing fools are merely taking that superiority to an entire new level.

Humorous it is gentleman that in an attempt to denounce ones own authority that they merely extend the range of targets to which it is applicable. Thi s is because they are now attempting to posit their status as above both those who walk the path less traveled as well as those who don’t.

What we have as this product gentleman is a true blooded narcissist’s narcissist. The type who could kill a man and in the same breath strike his wife to the ground and be fully confident in the morality of it. That he not only considers this an advantage above the men he perceives to be of lesser importance, but as a primary virtue.

While living in stark contrast to a self deprecating and self defeating naive optimist such as myself they somehow spiritually resemble an almost disturbing likeness to one another. Perhaps the one thing these two have in common is their distance from those who walk the common path. Is it possible gentleman, that the anti-hero and the anti-villain are in fact equal opposites?

Certainly one could not exist without the other but does this make them tantamount? By all means it may and it may not, I am not the decider of this quandary. If you believe the world to be the perfect macrocosm of the conceptual zero sum game I suppose they would be perfectly tantamount.

However if you do not believe the net energy of the universe to be zero (as most men of direct action who have not yet been acquainted with any ageless wisdom do, along with the most positive and disgustingly naive of all optimists) than they could not be any more different.

While displaying a seemingly pessimistic view of things, it is precisely why I opt not to ascribe myself too it. Some would point to such a discrepancy and shout insanity. He should think himself perfectly justified as such a worldview is in direct opposition of sanity. It should seem as if all who opposed are condemning themselves to rot in a stalemate of their own construction, though this could not be further from the truth.

What has not been accounted for but many times assumed is that genius, like insanity is also in direct contrast of sanity. Genius and insanity are certainly not mutually exclusive but they are not equivalent either. what difference than stands between them? A genius uses madness as a tool to discover what reason has overlooked, to expand understanding to new lengths and to connect them and reconcile them with what was prior understood.

Insanity on the other hand uses madness as an ethical basis to argue against that which complies with reason. No one asks this of the madman, he is merely asserting his desire to comply with his own maddened perspective rather than reason. An agenda no different than he who sets out to start a bar fight with the laws of gravity.

Lord knows The genius has his fare share of these bar fights as well, the only difference being that one truly believes in its merit. The other merely seeking to ascertain what stake of new knowledge and experience may be claimed as a result. this is not to say that there is nobody standing in between these two positions, in fact most do. It is obscenely difficult to ascertain which one may be inhabiting or afflicting a persons consciousness, even more so for the one standing there.

In spite of all differences they are both certainly artists in the most genuine sense of the word. Albeit in their own respects. In spite of all implications one may be above above the other, we cannot be quick to overlook the madman’s place as perhaps the greatest inspiration of all genius. Not only inspiration but also its primary defense against the eyes and arms lined up in their fear inspired defense of all that is conventional and assumed to be understood prior.

I DARE any audacious outspoken readers to comment.

If you do not press subscribe as promptly as possible I swear by all that is vested within me that I will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT IT!